WHY JUGGALOS MAKE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF

30 Nov

I’ve been wanting to write a piece on Juggalos for some time now but stopped myself in fear of coming down with internet herpes version 12.0.  It’s a really scary virus that makes the Simplex II strain look like kindergarten eczema.  Horny dudes often pick it up from jacking off in front of X rated  Icelandic midget porn or playing World of Warcraft in dingy internet cafes with pubic lice crawling about underneath the keyboards. But I’m feeling strong this week, like my skin is made from condom latex, so here goes. 

Maybe this is the kind of question to ask a clinical psychologist, but I’m just gonna throw it out there in internet land.  At what point in life do you decide that the path of least resistance is painting your face and potentially fucking your sister to albums by the Insane Clown Posse?  Geographically (and I don’t like to generalize)  it looks as though at the last US Census count, 15,685 households in Michigan alone considered themselves “Juggalo Zones”.  That means if you belong to this enclave you consistently engage in all of the following behaviours:  

a) drinking supermarket goon in waist high grass outside your mobile home  then:

 b)  having sex with a family member and possibly a pet. (Detroit is one of America’s  highest murder rate cities and of the 14,642 deaths reported in 2010, 11,000 of these were turtles that had died from innapropriate use by men using facepaint as lubricant).

c)  holding up a 7-11 with a nail gun (and potentially terminating the clerk’s life for not handing over a free packet of Doritos.)

d)  covering all your friends with forehead tatts that read things like “Unemployed”  with an ink gun you bought off eBay for fifteen dollars, and:

e) driving around empty suburban car parks, burning donuts to ICP songs with lyrics like Night of The Axe’s Shakespearean turns of phrase:

“And I broke into the female john (AAAH!)
Motherfuckers think I’m sick
You ever seen a bitch take a shit, fuck dat
A lot of dookie-ass beef
Cuz female shittin’ is news to me”

Umm. Hold on.  Have you ever seen a grown man in face paint take a shit?  Scariest thing next to John Wayne Gacey masturbating with his mother’s meatloaf and a little league mitt in the basement.  Don’t be paying out on the ladies, fellas.  I know for a fact that when Juggalo men try to shit it comes out their nostrils 90% of the time…and they eat it.

Urban Dictionary defines  Juggalos as:

  1. A self applied label used by a large group of people with similar interests…used to describe their individuality, while fanboying over Insane Clown Posse. (Yes. It is about ICP because ICP invented the term and ICP fans are the only ones who fucking use it.) You think Rammstein fans call themselves the “The Kiss Army”?

No. Kiss fans call themselves “The Kiss Army”, duh!  More established is the definition from the Oxford Concise Dictionary which defines the pack as:

1. Extremely loyal followers of the Insane Clown Posse, and psychopathic records artists in general, almost to the point of worship.

I think this is being a little kind. Let’s try MY definition:

1) “Inbred fucktards forged from the sperm of the same Ohio trucker  Cody Cooter Daryl after face raping 350 pancakes at an highway I-Hop and fucking an ex-Coney Island circus,  fry cook with 88 wombs and a taste for damaged cum.”

Alcatraz is a museum now but I have Presidential plans for the concrete island.  It’s called a clown colony. Or a prison. Obama needs to move on this fast and get it through Congress before  the Tea Party comes in and makes me feel like an adulterer for playing with myself down there…Internet Herpes and all.

Daddy Swank

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