I THINK IT’S TIME WE TALKED ABOUT CHARLIE SHEEN

2 Feb

Don’t call him “A troubled actor”. He loves this shit and so do we.

I think it’s time we talked about Charlie Sheen. Sure, the interwebs are abuzz with Sheen speak but everyone is saying the same old shit. Oh that Charlie Sheen, he’s partial to sex and drugs and booze and whores. He gets paid 1.88 million per episode of Two and a Half Men to wander around in bad bowling shirts playing a character which is pretty much himself and he parties like Keith Richards in a blender. Folks are concerned for his wellbeing. He should go to rehab. BORING!

Charlie Sheen is not a successful actor who stars in Josef Fritzl’s favourite show (for real) but happens to have a wild side. Charlie Sheen is successful because his crazy drugged up watch stealing whore-accusing wife threatening bullshit keeps his name in the press and his ratings as high as he usually is.

He does it and we reward him for it because we love it. We’re jealous of it.  We wish we were Charlie Sheen. It’s rich people bullshit. We can’t afford to do it. Our work wont put everything on hold and wait for us to return from a coke fuelled porn convention romp in Vegas. No we’d get sacked and replaced with a 22 year old community college accounting graduate who still lives with their parents. Then we’d be fucked cause the $3.17 in our saving account wouldn’t be enough to pay the rent or buy food.  But Charlie Sheen can do it. Hell, he can write a 30 grand check to some blonde with a fake mouth that’s as big as her fake tits and he won’t even notice its gone.

Charlie Sheen marries blondes and slams skanks and slams blondes and marries skanks and threatens to kill pretty much all of them at some point or another in a state of boozed up coke paranoia in expensive abodes all across America. And when he does, the blonde he’s married to at the time acts all surprised. I mean c’mon – you’re the one that married Charlie Sheen! What did you think was going to happen?

Perhaps I’m being too harsh. Perhaps they have a point. Perhaps they were lulled into a false sense of lack of skankiness by Charlie’s soft and caring side. Sheen’s wiki page says he’s a big supporter of breast Cancer charities – Charlie would hate for tits to get cancer. I bet he hasn’t given shit to brain cancer research.  Apparently he’s also active in AIDS charities – in his case it’s called investing in his future – because, like he’s actually lucid enough to put an appropriate level of hazmat strength contraception on lil Charlie before venturing in to STD riddled holes time and time again. His life is like a golf course of hired vagina’s. Sheen also launched a clothing line for young girls called Sheen Kidz in 2006. He has a clothing line for little girls…surely he’s just trying to fuck with us?

Sheen Kidz Clothing: To bring out the budding sex worker in every young girl!

The degree to which he and the many who make money off him need the hardcore party image to sell his shit makes me wonder if its even real.  I keep entertaining the possibility that he’s getting too old for this shit but still needs the rep to get the big bucks so he pays porn stars and hookers to go to the press pretending to have been roughed up and Sheenified while his PA methodically trashes his hotel room.

– Tara Steven Seagal

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