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THE EROTIC ART WORLD OF THE GOLDEN GIRLS

14 Feb

It looks like Betty White wasn’t born old after all.

I stumbled across these nude Betty White pictures the other day and it got me pondering the existence of other Golden Girls wank bank memorabilia. It’s not a recent development that struggling actresses often turn to the pornographic arts – and if Betty White is naked out there imagine what Rue McClanahan must have floating around! So I consulted my best friend the internet and the results were not quite what I had in mind but spectacular none the less.

There is no environment on heaven or earth that wouldn’t be imbiggined by this artistic rendering of my favourite Golden Girl.  Apparently John Currin painted this portrait with his tongue super glued to his cheek but I can’t imagine a single room that wouldn’t benefit from it’s tits-out majesty. If I had things my way this picture would be on the national flag!

You may want to hold my hand now dear reader, because the places we’re going are frightening indeed.

That’s what’s so great about the internet: you may think you’re a sick fuck as you type crazy shit into the Google search window but the results tend to show there’s always someone sicker and more full of fuckery than you’ll ever be. Theres a galaxy of kiny-fied Golden Girls fan art going on out there and I have been in the dark for so long!

The mecca of all things erotically inspired by the Golden Girls.

It’s fitting that Miami be the birth place of the Golden Gals Gone Wild art exhibition. It is, after all, where the lusty ladies of the Hallmark channel Dorothy, Sofia, Rose and Blanche ate cheesecake and dated the shit out of the regions cabana cruise-outfitted widowers and retirees. The opening night of Golden Girls Gone Wild looked like it was one hell of a multi media campy paradise complete with gogo dancers wearing enormous Golden Girl heads, midgets and Giovanni Ribisi (who knew).

If I had known the extent of the options available I may not have got such a subtle tattoo.

– Tara Steven-Seagal.

I THINK IT’S TIME WE TALKED ABOUT CHARLIE SHEEN

2 Feb

Don’t call him “A troubled actor”. He loves this shit and so do we.

I think it’s time we talked about Charlie Sheen. Sure, the interwebs are abuzz with Sheen speak but everyone is saying the same old shit. Oh that Charlie Sheen, he’s partial to sex and drugs and booze and whores. He gets paid 1.88 million per episode of Two and a Half Men to wander around in bad bowling shirts playing a character which is pretty much himself and he parties like Keith Richards in a blender. Folks are concerned for his wellbeing. He should go to rehab. BORING!

Charlie Sheen is not a successful actor who stars in Josef Fritzl’s favourite show (for real) but happens to have a wild side. Charlie Sheen is successful because his crazy drugged up watch stealing whore-accusing wife threatening bullshit keeps his name in the press and his ratings as high as he usually is.

He does it and we reward him for it because we love it. We’re jealous of it.  We wish we were Charlie Sheen. It’s rich people bullshit. We can’t afford to do it. Our work wont put everything on hold and wait for us to return from a coke fuelled porn convention romp in Vegas. No we’d get sacked and replaced with a 22 year old community college accounting graduate who still lives with their parents. Then we’d be fucked cause the $3.17 in our saving account wouldn’t be enough to pay the rent or buy food.  But Charlie Sheen can do it. Hell, he can write a 30 grand check to some blonde with a fake mouth that’s as big as her fake tits and he won’t even notice its gone.

Charlie Sheen marries blondes and slams skanks and slams blondes and marries skanks and threatens to kill pretty much all of them at some point or another in a state of boozed up coke paranoia in expensive abodes all across America. And when he does, the blonde he’s married to at the time acts all surprised. I mean c’mon – you’re the one that married Charlie Sheen! What did you think was going to happen?

Perhaps I’m being too harsh. Perhaps they have a point. Perhaps they were lulled into a false sense of lack of skankiness by Charlie’s soft and caring side. Sheen’s wiki page says he’s a big supporter of breast Cancer charities – Charlie would hate for tits to get cancer. I bet he hasn’t given shit to brain cancer research.  Apparently he’s also active in AIDS charities – in his case it’s called investing in his future – because, like he’s actually lucid enough to put an appropriate level of hazmat strength contraception on lil Charlie before venturing in to STD riddled holes time and time again. His life is like a golf course of hired vagina’s. Sheen also launched a clothing line for young girls called Sheen Kidz in 2006. He has a clothing line for little girls…surely he’s just trying to fuck with us?

Sheen Kidz Clothing: To bring out the budding sex worker in every young girl!

The degree to which he and the many who make money off him need the hardcore party image to sell his shit makes me wonder if its even real.  I keep entertaining the possibility that he’s getting too old for this shit but still needs the rep to get the big bucks so he pays porn stars and hookers to go to the press pretending to have been roughed up and Sheenified while his PA methodically trashes his hotel room.

– Tara Steven Seagal

MICHAEL JACKSON DRINKING WITH MIDGETS

18 Jan

This is how I want to remember Michael Jackson

Say what you will about him. Talk him up like he was some kind of benevolent musical God or trash him for the alleged kiddy fiddling and the 97 different kinds of crazy but at least once (that we know of) a still black Michael Jackson drank vodka straight outta the bottle, in a park, flanked by lady midgets. That’s enough to make my day.

– Tara Steven Seagal

WHY JUGGALOS MAKE ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF

30 Nov

I’ve been wanting to write a piece on Juggalos for some time now but stopped myself in fear of coming down with internet herpes version 12.0.  It’s a really scary virus that makes the Simplex II strain look like kindergarten eczema.  Horny dudes often pick it up from jacking off in front of X rated  Icelandic midget porn or playing World of Warcraft in dingy internet cafes with pubic lice crawling about underneath the keyboards. But I’m feeling strong this week, like my skin is made from condom latex, so here goes. 

Maybe this is the kind of question to ask a clinical psychologist, but I’m just gonna throw it out there in internet land.  At what point in life do you decide that the path of least resistance is painting your face and potentially fucking your sister to albums by the Insane Clown Posse?  Geographically (and I don’t like to generalize)  it looks as though at the last US Census count, 15,685 households in Michigan alone considered themselves “Juggalo Zones”.  That means if you belong to this enclave you consistently engage in all of the following behaviours:  

a) drinking supermarket goon in waist high grass outside your mobile home  then:

 b)  having sex with a family member and possibly a pet. (Detroit is one of America’s  highest murder rate cities and of the 14,642 deaths reported in 2010, 11,000 of these were turtles that had died from innapropriate use by men using facepaint as lubricant).

c)  holding up a 7-11 with a nail gun (and potentially terminating the clerk’s life for not handing over a free packet of Doritos.)

d)  covering all your friends with forehead tatts that read things like “Unemployed”  with an ink gun you bought off eBay for fifteen dollars, and:

e) driving around empty suburban car parks, burning donuts to ICP songs with lyrics like Night of The Axe’s Shakespearean turns of phrase:

“And I broke into the female john (AAAH!)
Motherfuckers think I’m sick
You ever seen a bitch take a shit, fuck dat
A lot of dookie-ass beef
Cuz female shittin’ is news to me”

Umm. Hold on.  Have you ever seen a grown man in face paint take a shit?  Scariest thing next to John Wayne Gacey masturbating with his mother’s meatloaf and a little league mitt in the basement.  Don’t be paying out on the ladies, fellas.  I know for a fact that when Juggalo men try to shit it comes out their nostrils 90% of the time…and they eat it.

Urban Dictionary defines  Juggalos as:

  1. A self applied label used by a large group of people with similar interests…used to describe their individuality, while fanboying over Insane Clown Posse. (Yes. It is about ICP because ICP invented the term and ICP fans are the only ones who fucking use it.) You think Rammstein fans call themselves the “The Kiss Army”?

No. Kiss fans call themselves “The Kiss Army”, duh!  More established is the definition from the Oxford Concise Dictionary which defines the pack as:

1. Extremely loyal followers of the Insane Clown Posse, and psychopathic records artists in general, almost to the point of worship.

I think this is being a little kind. Let’s try MY definition:

1) “Inbred fucktards forged from the sperm of the same Ohio trucker  Cody Cooter Daryl after face raping 350 pancakes at an highway I-Hop and fucking an ex-Coney Island circus,  fry cook with 88 wombs and a taste for damaged cum.”

Alcatraz is a museum now but I have Presidential plans for the concrete island.  It’s called a clown colony. Or a prison. Obama needs to move on this fast and get it through Congress before  the Tea Party comes in and makes me feel like an adulterer for playing with myself down there…Internet Herpes and all.

Daddy Swank

MAN vs. WILD

30 Nov

– Daddy Swank

WHY I DON’T HOLIDAY IN JAPAN

29 Nov