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THE EROTIC ART WORLD OF THE GOLDEN GIRLS

14 Feb

It looks like Betty White wasn’t born old after all.

I stumbled across these nude Betty White pictures the other day and it got me pondering the existence of other Golden Girls wank bank memorabilia. It’s not a recent development that struggling actresses often turn to the pornographic arts – and if Betty White is naked out there imagine what Rue McClanahan must have floating around! So I consulted my best friend the internet and the results were not quite what I had in mind but spectacular none the less.

There is no environment on heaven or earth that wouldn’t be imbiggined by this artistic rendering of my favourite Golden Girl.  Apparently John Currin painted this portrait with his tongue super glued to his cheek but I can’t imagine a single room that wouldn’t benefit from it’s tits-out majesty. If I had things my way this picture would be on the national flag!

You may want to hold my hand now dear reader, because the places we’re going are frightening indeed.

That’s what’s so great about the internet: you may think you’re a sick fuck as you type crazy shit into the Google search window but the results tend to show there’s always someone sicker and more full of fuckery than you’ll ever be. Theres a galaxy of kiny-fied Golden Girls fan art going on out there and I have been in the dark for so long!

The mecca of all things erotically inspired by the Golden Girls.

It’s fitting that Miami be the birth place of the Golden Gals Gone Wild art exhibition. It is, after all, where the lusty ladies of the Hallmark channel Dorothy, Sofia, Rose and Blanche ate cheesecake and dated the shit out of the regions cabana cruise-outfitted widowers and retirees. The opening night of Golden Girls Gone Wild looked like it was one hell of a multi media campy paradise complete with gogo dancers wearing enormous Golden Girl heads, midgets and Giovanni Ribisi (who knew).

If I had known the extent of the options available I may not have got such a subtle tattoo.

– Tara Steven-Seagal.

SEXUAL FETISHES YOU MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT

29 Jul

In an effort to cater for our core audience of people who mis- Google obscure porn, single parent pensioners, midget affictionardos and haphazardly tattooed inmates of maximum security prisons we proudly present to you some really messed up kinky shit that would make even the heartiest of gimps blush.

There are as many bizarre and socially alienating ways to get your rocks off as there are fish in the semen.

But wool? woolies

Yep. Woolies get off on being covered head to toe in wool. Itchy, knitted wool. Shear the sheep and get some of the good stuff. To these people watching someone knit on public transport must get their wool swaddled private parts all a quiver…in so much as wool swaddled private parts can be.

A lot of their outfits have special openings which I secretly hope are for going to the toilet through but deep down I know it’s for kinky wool covered sex. They just love the feel of their wool covered bodies rubbing up all over someone else’s wool covered body. Just thinking about it makes them want to go to thier nearest knitting supply shop and just go crazy.

I’m never going to be able to look a sweater in the eye again.

– Tara Steven-Seagal.