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2 Feb

Don’t call him “A troubled actor”. He loves this shit and so do we.

I think it’s time we talked about Charlie Sheen. Sure, the interwebs are abuzz with Sheen speak but everyone is saying the same old shit. Oh that Charlie Sheen, he’s partial to sex and drugs and booze and whores. He gets paid 1.88 million per episode of Two and a Half Men to wander around in bad bowling shirts playing a character which is pretty much himself and he parties like Keith Richards in a blender. Folks are concerned for his wellbeing. He should go to rehab. BORING!

Charlie Sheen is not a successful actor who stars in Josef Fritzl’s favourite show (for real) but happens to have a wild side. Charlie Sheen is successful because his crazy drugged up watch stealing whore-accusing wife threatening bullshit keeps his name in the press and his ratings as high as he usually is.

He does it and we reward him for it because we love it. We’re jealous of it.  We wish we were Charlie Sheen. It’s rich people bullshit. We can’t afford to do it. Our work wont put everything on hold and wait for us to return from a coke fuelled porn convention romp in Vegas. No we’d get sacked and replaced with a 22 year old community college accounting graduate who still lives with their parents. Then we’d be fucked cause the $3.17 in our saving account wouldn’t be enough to pay the rent or buy food.  But Charlie Sheen can do it. Hell, he can write a 30 grand check to some blonde with a fake mouth that’s as big as her fake tits and he won’t even notice its gone.

Charlie Sheen marries blondes and slams skanks and slams blondes and marries skanks and threatens to kill pretty much all of them at some point or another in a state of boozed up coke paranoia in expensive abodes all across America. And when he does, the blonde he’s married to at the time acts all surprised. I mean c’mon – you’re the one that married Charlie Sheen! What did you think was going to happen?

Perhaps I’m being too harsh. Perhaps they have a point. Perhaps they were lulled into a false sense of lack of skankiness by Charlie’s soft and caring side. Sheen’s wiki page says he’s a big supporter of breast Cancer charities – Charlie would hate for tits to get cancer. I bet he hasn’t given shit to brain cancer research.  Apparently he’s also active in AIDS charities – in his case it’s called investing in his future – because, like he’s actually lucid enough to put an appropriate level of hazmat strength contraception on lil Charlie before venturing in to STD riddled holes time and time again. His life is like a golf course of hired vagina’s. Sheen also launched a clothing line for young girls called Sheen Kidz in 2006. He has a clothing line for little girls…surely he’s just trying to fuck with us?

Sheen Kidz Clothing: To bring out the budding sex worker in every young girl!

The degree to which he and the many who make money off him need the hardcore party image to sell his shit makes me wonder if its even real.  I keep entertaining the possibility that he’s getting too old for this shit but still needs the rep to get the big bucks so he pays porn stars and hookers to go to the press pretending to have been roughed up and Sheenified while his PA methodically trashes his hotel room.

– Tara Steven Seagal


29 Nov

How you do drag with those eyebrows is beyond me…
Lee Tamahori is a New Zealand film director who hit the big time with his gritty, violent and confronting film “Once Were Warriors.” Like most film folk from the Southern hemisphere the second he had a hit on his hands he rode the wave off to the US and the land of big budgets and Scientology wierdos. Since he got there he has directed an episode of the “Sopranos”,  the Bond film “Die Another Day” and a few other things you’ve probably never heard of.
This would be the end of the story if I hadn’t received so many email requests for more posts about trannies. In fact it seems our Crying Game loving audience wants all trannies all the time, twenty four seven, 8 days a week. This is where Lee Tamahori re-enters the picture.
In January 2008, Tamahori – dressed in an off the shoulder black dress and a wig, was arrested in LA for offering an undercover cop a blow job for some coin. His lawyers negotiated the prostitution charge down to criminal trespass, but still. Anyone who has seen “Once Were Warriors” has gotta be gape-mouthed about this. Those who knew Tamahori are apparently not taken aback at all.
A friend of Lee’s is quoted as saying “No one was surprised when Lee was arrested for a sex offence. “He’s always been kinky in his private life, but the transexual thing was a shock. He’s never shown any interest in men sexually.” This “friend” goes on to say that although a latex loving trannie in his personal life, Lee is a consummate professional on set and is very well respected in Hollywood. You can rape, maim, kill or be John Travolta and still be respected in Hollywood, of course a little cross dressing and cop propositioning isn’t going to create waves!
– Tara Steven Seagal


29 Nov


29 Nov

“I’ll have a reverse Donkey Kong please Svetlana.”

Simon Cowell has all the money in all the world and all the body hair in all the Robin Williams. He could have that old growth chest forest of his transformed into anything he wanted. There could be hedge sculptures of elephants and reindeer covered in Christmas lights (made from Naomi Campbell’s blood diamonds) but no. When he goes to get himself waxed to perfection he takes in the negative image of this picture:


29 Nov
Ah celebrities, they think they’re better than us and most of the time, as a society we agree. We idolise them and pay them ridiculous amounts for doing a job that lets them travel the world and is certainly no harder than the jobs most of us slave at for peanuts and bat shit. We may wish we had their money, their careers and their lifestyles but what we don’t want is their hideous tattoos!
Realising her ass was where she kept all her talent, Jessica Alba played nice by gift wrapping it for us.
Dan Arnold’s Roseanne Tattoo: poignantly terrifying. Not quite as terrifying as Roseanne getting “property of Dan Arnold” tattooed on her ample rump. For real. I’m hoping after the divorce he had a long beard tattooed on it to make it look like a member of ZZ Top. Same goes for her. 
Tori Spelling’s sometimes TV biopic acting husband Dean McDermott loves her twisted boob job so much he had the tattoo artist put it on there twice.

Nothing says “irredeemable fuckwit” like a tattoo of your own name on your person.

All that’s missing from Scarlett Johansson’s technicolor hippy vomit tat is a dolphin and a unicorn.
I get what Eve is doing here: She wants to look like a muddy dog just jumped up on her boobs!
No need to overreact about Nick Cannon’s tattoo, all Mariah’s staff have one.


29 Nov
Not only was Katy Perry raised a fundamentalist Christian but she also used to be in kiddie pageants. Now it all makes sense! She has that daffy demeanor because she’s smiling big for Mommy. She’s comfortable in her Hello Kitty cock tease regalia because she grew up shaking her little tushie for the judges. Whipped cream and fireworks come shooting out of her boobs at any given moment in any given video clip because that’s showmanship. She probably still wears a flipper! All this lollypop, candy cane Willy Wonka sexuality she rubs in our faces is no different to anything you’d see on an episode of Toddlers and Tiaras. Sure most of those little girls go on to turn into ogres and torture their own daughters with fluro lycra and fruit diets or make a life for themselves on the greased up pole but not our Katy. She’s found a way to live in the kiddie pageant spotlight forever. Stay still for your spray tan, Vaseline those teeth and practice your talent routine again – and get it right this time Katy or we will not be going to McDonald’s!


29 Nov
Yul Brynner, famous for his legendary roles in The King and I, West World and The Magnificent Seven is Hollywoods seminal bald guy. He was rocking bald before bald was bald. I’ve been investigating long standing rumours that Yul wasn’t just into shaving his head. Apparently Yul was into some serious manscaping and went one step further than Kim Kardashians “the only hair I have on my entire body is on my head” business. Yep, apparently Yul Brynner was bald all over! Nothing stood between Yul and his Calvin’s.
Though I’ve trawled the web like some horny, married, amateur cricketer at a suburban bars’ ladies night I’ve yet to find a shred of evidence – apart from the fact that he was a trapeze artist in his youth. Trapeze artists are carnies and carnies are suspect kinky folk with their own rules and laws and attitudes to hair and shit.
There are some nude photos of Yul floating around the inter-webs in which he sports some seriously hairy nutbush city limits but these were taken back in the days where he had head hair and thus can’t be considered a valid argument. Also he was kooky. He used to demand all hotel suites in which he stayed had to be painted a particular shade of tan and the fridges be stoked with, and I quote “one dozen brown eggs, under no circumstances white ones!” I guess he wanted looking at an egg to be like looking in a mirror.
So was Yul Brynner bald all over? I don’t know. Perhaps it was actually Telly Savalas.